Feel Like You are Drowning? A Story of Hope

I was on my own from a fairly young age. I lived with my mom until I was 15 years old and then with my dad through high school. Most would have considered me a lost soul. I had all my basic needs met, but emotionally I was suffering from neglect (at best) and malevolence (at worst). All the difficulties of adolescence I was left to figure out on my own. Adjusting to growing up, relationships, death, and life was very difficult for me within an atmosphere that ranged from detached to toxic.

I did not have the ability to think past each particular day. I was truly in survival mode. I woke up, usually started smoking weed, and figured out what I needed to do that day to survive. I didn’t think of it that way back then. But reflecting, I was just trying to figure life out and get by day to day. I lost all my hopes and dreams I had as a kid about my future because I really couldn’t envision that for myself. I was trapped in a prison of my own making. I constructed the walls, the guards, and the razor wire holding me in. I was the judge, jury and I handed out my own sentence. Which at the time seemed like death. I felt very trapped by life.

Miraculously, one day I decided I wanted out. I sought help and, to my dismay, it came. Help for me started with a conversation. It was with a man I didn’t know and have never had a significant conversation with since. His name was Tony Loeb and he reminds me of Robin Williams' character from the movie Good Will Hunting. He had the unique ability to reach a young man like me. As he asked me questions about my life and I spoke out loud for the first time, it became clear to me that I needed a change. A change in routine, a change in relationships, and a change toward a life and a future. He peered through his small rounded glasses straight into my soul. He saw I needed help and started me on a new path.

Me opening up to someone began a change in my life that has reverberated for the past 30 years. I still had nothing figured out, I had no direction, I continued to make a lot of mistakes, and I still continued to hurt people… but my life started to move forward. I felt hope where before was anger, despair, guilt, and doubt. That hope shined through the smallest spaces I was able to open up. As time went on, more light was able to enter in and that light changed me.

We do live in a land of unlimited possibility. The whole world can truly be yours. Whatever “the whole world” means to you, you can have it. That can all start with a conversation. So if you are ready, reach out to someone you can trust that is willing to help. Mr. Rogers' famous quote holds true, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping”. If you truly can’t find a helper, please reach out to me. Let’s start to get all that shit inside of you out and start taking steps forward. It doesn’t matter if you feel like you are drowning or just swimming a little too far from shore. A simple conversation can change your life.